You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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