Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
