Will you blow on my dice?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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