i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
