You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
