My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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