I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
