what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize