so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
