No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
