I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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