took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
