I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
