The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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