you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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