please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
