Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
