I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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