You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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