when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
