if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
