Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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