UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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