Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
