i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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