A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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