Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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