I just pynch a tree in the face
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
