I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
