Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
