If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
