Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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