I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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