So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
