I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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