The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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