What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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