I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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