Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
