i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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