The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
