last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
