I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
