I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
