I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
