dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
