**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
