So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
