watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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