can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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