oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
