I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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