Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
