She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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