Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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