if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
