We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
