I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
