I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
